


The Doctor Is In

by KendylGirl



Series: The Alchemy of Butterflies [10]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Family Feels, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Matchmaking, Sibling Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 05:59:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18424320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KendylGirl/pseuds/KendylGirl
Summary: What do two handsome fools in love need to help take their relationship to the next level?  Enter Pauline Chalamet--Love Guru, Bad Ass, and Texting Phenom.





	The Doctor Is In

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LivefromG25](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivefromG25/gifts).



> I must dedicate this work to the incomparable LivefromG25, who has repeatedly offered me inspiration without even trying. She allowed my swirling admiration for Pauline to coalesce with the idea of a unique texting experience, et voilà!
> 
> To my muse, then, I have one more title for you—  
>  _Get Amazing Text: How to Thumb Your Way to Immortality_
> 
> And Willowbrooke, you have pulled me back from so many wrong turns, I doubt I’d have a straight line without you! :)
> 
> This installment takes place before and during the events of the previous one of the series, "Reverence."

PC:Before we start, we need a codename.Every good op has a codename.

 

Armistice:How about Operation TACHometer?

 

PC:Ok, I see what you did there, a bit of alphabet soup with your initials…yeah, not bad…

Hmmm…

I prefer Operation PATCHwork.

 

Armistice:But that doesn’t make sense.What’s the P for?

 

PC:Think about it…

 

Armistice: Oh.

Guess that’s fair.You’re in the op, too.

 

PC:IN it??I’m running this bitch!

 

Armistice:Just so you know, I’m saluting you right now.

 

PC:Really?And I just thought you were happy to see me…

 

Armistice:Ummm…

 

PC:Hey, keep up—I’m just messing with you.I’m gonna need you to keep that sense of humor on tap if you’re gonna hang with me, got it?

 

Armistice: Aye, Captain.

All right with you if I hang to the left?

 

PC:Now that’s more like it! *high 5*

Operation PATCHwork is officially underway.

 

 

* * *

 

 

TC:Does he know?

 

Paulie:Get serious, Timmy.This is child’s play.

 

TC:You are KILLING ME!I just want this to go right.It has to be PERFECT!

 

Paulie:You’re such a hen, little bro.Don’t you trust me?

 

TC:Yes.Fine.Sorry.

 

Paulie:Good boy.

So, it IS all right that I told him to pretend to be surprised, isn’t it?

 

TC:PAULINE

 

Paulie:I kid, Timo, I kid!I kid because I love! :)

Anyway, ease up.This guy thinks you invented sunshine and rainbows.You could fart in his face and he’d still say yes.

 

TC:That’s gross, P.

And, thanks.

 

* * *

 

AH:So you’re sure you’re okay with this, then?

 

Captain:Not me you have to convince, big man.  Wait—you’re not getting senile, are you?Are your car keys in the fridge?WHAT MONTH IS IT??

 

AH:Hilarious.

 

Captain:You SURE you don’t want a script to follow, Grandpa??

 

AH:You can stop now.You know what I mean.

 

Captain:Yes.

 

AH:Yes, it’s okay, or yes, you know what I mean?

 

Captain:Are you always this much of an over-thinker?

 

AH:You. Have. No. Idea.

 

Captain:No wonder.

 

AH:???

 

Captain:No wonder you and Timmy bonded.He’s WORSE.

 

AH:No, he is perfect.Everything about him is perfect, and I’m a damn mess.I know I don’t deserve him, but I want him anyway.He. Is. Perfect.

 

Captain:Can you hear me gagging from an ocean away?

 

AH:He is, though!

 

Captain:No way, man.He cries when he watches Animal Planet, he steals my socks CONSTANTLY, and he cannot pronounce ‘asparagus’ to save his life.

 

AH:See what I mean?? PERFECTION.

 

Captain:Great.Now I have cavities.Thanks.

 

AH:Sorry.

It’s true, though.

 

Captain:Don’t be sorry.

He’s a pain in the ass, obviously, but he’s MY pain in the ass.

And you love him for who he is, not who you want him to be.

Otherwise, no way in hell I’d let you near my baby brother.

 

AH:You realize I’m like a foot taller than you?And a hundred pounds heavier?

 

Captain:Yes.

 

AH:And that I could easily bench-press you?

 

Captain:Yes.

 

AH:With one arm.

 

Captain:And?

 

AH:And, despite that, I am realizing that I am more than a little bit afraid of you.

 

Captain:Attaboy!

No one messes with the people I love.

And I love Timmy more than anyone.

(Do NOT tell him I said that!)

 

AH:That’s fine, Pauline, I get it!And I wouldn’t have it any other way because I only want Tim to have the best, to be loved the way he deserves to be. 

 

Captain:And what if I told you that what’s best for him is not you?

 

AH:Is that what you think?

 

Captain:It’s just a question.Answer it.

 

AH:Even if it’s not me.No question.

 

Captain:I believe you.

Which is why my answer is yes ;)

 

* * *

 

TC:Is this dumb, P?

 

Paulie:Is what dumb?That semi-stache you keep trying out?

 

TC:Shut up.

Am I doing the right thing?

 

Paulie:What makes you question it?

 

TC:Ummm…

He just got divorced.

He’s busy and might not want the hassle

He’s fucking gorgeous and I look like a reject from Twilight.

It might embarrass his kids.

Shitty publicity.

He’s smart and traveled and experienced, and I’m a fucking kid.

His family probably hates me.

What if his friends hate me, too?

 

Paulie:WHOA.

What happened??You guys have a fight?

Do I need to shave his leg hair or dye his teeth green??Say the word, Timmy…

 

TC:SHIT, don’t you dare!

No, it’s nothing like that.

I’m just…thinking.

 

Paulie:Riiiiggghht.Don’t you mean “creating your own obstacles”?Old habits die hard, little bro.

You’ve been doing this same act since middle school.

 

TC:Don’t do that!I didn’t CREATE these!I am ACKNOWLEDGING them!I am trying to be realistic!

 

Paulie:No, you’re not.You’re trying to be dramatic.And kudos—you’re succeeding!

 

TC:Fuck it, Pauline.If all you’re gonna do is make me feel stupid, then never mind.

 

Paulie:Oh, don’t be that way!

 

…

 

Paulie:Ok, Timmy, I’m sorry.Really.I DO want to help you! 

 

…

 

Paulie:Please??

 

TC:Fine. 

Stop being a jerk and HELP, then!

 

Paulie:Ok, bottom to top—here goes: 

8\. You know most of his good friends already, right?And they love you.

7\. His family can suck it. Period. (Based on everything he’s ever said, he feels the same way.)

6\. You’ve been all over the planet, and you’d have burnt Columbia and NYU both to the ground if you weren’t such a great actor.You’re erudite and thoughtful and amazing.And guess what Mr. Wonderful decided to do when HE was a “kid” at 23?That’s right…

5\. His kids are just babies—they aren’t even embarrassed to poop their pants in public, so chill.

4\. Are you kidding me??The press ships you two more than Tumblr does!

3\. You know you’re adorable, so don’t even try that “looks” thing with me (Plus, we look alike, so tread lightly, my man…)

2\. You’re busy, too—is that stopping YOU??

1\. He didn’t get divorced because he hates being married.He got divorced because he and his wife were not in love anymore.And then, what was it that happened??Oh, yeah—he fell in love with YOU, dork.

 

TC:Yeah, I guess so.Ok, thanks a lot.

 

Paulie:You’re still not convinced?

 

TC:I just…

No.

I don’t know.

 

Paulie:You trying to talk yourself out of it?Did you change your mind?

 

TC:NO!I want this.I REALLY want this. 

 

Paulie:So just say it: what’re you afraid of, Timo?

 

TC:What if he doesn’t love me enough, P?

 

Paulie:Tim, come on!!

 

TC:Seriously, what would I do then?I could not handle that, Pauline.

I couldn’t. 

It would kill me.

 

Paulie:Listen to me: you know that I look out for you, right, buddy?

 

TC:Yeah.

 

Paulie:And that it may be entertaining as hell to knock you off balance, but I’d never actually let you fall?

 

TC:Yeah, I know that, P.

 

Paulie:Good.

Trust me.

ASK THE QUESTION. 

 

* * *

 

_Tell your man to brace himself.He’s in my hands now._

 

She clicks her phone off and slides it into her pocket.Of course Tim won’t doubt the message is for him since it was sent to his phone.Knowing him, he’s way too nervous for subtleties right now.But Armie can handle the long game.The Jolly Blonde Giant can read it over his shoulder or find a way to peek at it when he leaves the room, if he will even to bother.The message itself, sent at the arranged time, is all the confirmation he would need to believe that Operation PATCHwork is in full swing. 

_Men are so easy._  

Pauline adjusts the small gold fedora on her head and smoothes the large speckled quail feather that pokes out of its band.She toes up to the antique mirror by the door and swipes her lips with some tinted lip balm, settles the hair cascading over her shoulders, and smirks at her reflection.

As she slips into her loafers, she pulls out her phone once more and sends a group text:

_prêt à commencer?_

Some replies filter in. 

_prêt à tout!_

_allons-y, ma reine :)_

_bien sûr_

This is going to be a very good day…

**Author's Note:**

> In my mind, Pauline will forever be a benevolent, fabulous genius. She has made her way into this series when I wasn’t looking—she’s _that_ good! :)
> 
> To all of you who bother to read what I write, I am unrepentantly devoted to you and your kindness. I cannot even tell you how much it means to me—if I tried, it would be an embarrassing, teary opus that I could never get right!


End file.
